Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Arrrgh I want to scream

I have not posted in a long time due to the ups and downs of life. My husband quit his job and is now working with me. My mom is getting knee replacement surgery and time seems to fly by now more than ever. I decided to write in today because I am on day two of 60mg and I am only dropping 5mg a week. Last week I told my husband I was so happy because my withdrawals have been great, the dizziness and shocks have really turned down. Now comes this week, yesterday I was miserable. I had no energy, everything drove me crazy and I had to nap during the day to not burst. Today is even worse. I had to stop working and come to bed because I couldn't stop crying. I had an irrational fear of going crazy and I just have no motivation to work. Everything about work drives me crazy, the stupid people who ask irrelevant questions and the way things work which I usually do every day with no problem. Today it is different, today I am feeling forced to live and forced to have a happy attitude. My husband told me to relax and that I am freaking out about stupid things. This just makes me more mad. No one knows what I feel like right now. No one actually shares my pain because they are not in my head, I am alone. How depressing.

Hopefully I will feel better within a few days. Maybe this drop of effexor is a really bad one, maybe all the subtle drops have caught up with my brain and I am in the middle of a minor brain regenerating meltdown. Who knows. At least the dizziness and the shocks are gone. However I might trade those back for this feeling of not being able to take simple things that happen and always wanting to cry. Someday I will feel better. Someday my brain will be healed off this roller coaster of regeneration and I will be better, right? That is what I keep hoping.

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