Monday, October 25, 2010

Fears and Crappy Feelings.

So I never made it down to 55mg. I am still doing 60mg for another week. Hopefully my body will normalize in the slightest bit before I go down to 55. I felt good yesterday physically, but mentally I was still a little off. Today is even worse I think. I feel like I am in a dreamy state where everything pisses me off. I don't even understand everything quite right today either, the only thing I do understand is how much people and ideas piss me off. I am also in severe self-doubt of myself, my life and my job. Everything that I could possibly think of today turns into something bad. I am fearful that I will feel this way forever and that Effexor has permanently affected me. I know that my brain is playing tricks on me. I know that my brain is regenerating itself and I am going to feel pains and mind-games for a little while. I just am having a hard time today. Actually the whole last week has been hard...

I feel bad for my husband because I get really angry at him. I constantly switch from being happy to feeling entitled, to feeling sad and depressed. Stupid me and my mouth. I constantly talk about how I feel which probably isn't that much fun for anyone, but it makes me feel better so I do it. Which again makes me feel annoyed at myself for being so selfish. It is all a self illusive circle of shit. To top it all off I have this headache from hell which feels "electric" if that makes any sense at all.

I am just not a happy person right now. Maybe it will get better soon... Maybe I will see all the amazing things I have to be happy for that I know exist. There are so many good things, that I am too bitch-sighted to see right now. Stupid effexor and it's annoying brain changing bull shit... anyone put on effexor should get disability...

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